The reason Lindvall believes some of these suggestions have “scriptural precedent” is because they were practiced in the Jewish culture at the time the Bible was written. As this is the same ground from which Lindvall argues for the betrothal, we must consider whether the argument holds. In short the following three questions must be asked.
1) Is betrothal, as Lindvall defines it, actually an ancient Jewish practice?
2) Does scripture give any indication that the traditions of Judaism are accompanied with a divine endorsement?
3) Thirdly, and most fundamentally, is betrothal Biblical? That is, does the Bible actually teach it.
These are the questions I would like to explore now. In short, d
oes the idea of betrothal, as it is being advocated by Lindvall and his followers, have any Biblical support? Those who teach betrothal not only claim that the Biblical evidence is there, but they claim that the evidence is so overwhelming that you have to either be blind or dishonest not to see it.
Brief Survey of Old Testament Culture
In Ancient Near Eastern culture marriage was often treated more like a business contract than a relationship, the wife being an object of property (and I don't mean that in a Pejorative sense). A man could have many wives just as he would have many heads of cattle, although women were not allowed to have multiple husbands. If a man grew tired of his wife he could write her a certificate of divorce for an offense as trivial as cooking a meal in the wrong way. A woman was not granted the same privilege, however, and could only divorce her husband under special circumstances.
In Ancient Near Eastern culture, the bride had to be ‘bought,’ if you will, by the bridegroom's father, either by money or service offered in exchange for the bride’s father being willing to part with her, while the bride herself received no dowry. In that culture, when the bride was 'given in marriage' there was a transfer of ownership from her father to her husband.
It is only against this cultural backdrop that we can understand the custom for parents to authorize or, in some cases, to arrange their daughter’s marriages. In Ancient Near Eastern culture, if a man wished to marry a girl, he had first to procure the permission of her father. This necessity for parents to authorize a match only applied on the woman's side. Like everything else, this was a function of the patriarchal society, as well as economic and social conditions. Economic conditions were such that dependence on parents and the larger pedigree played a crucial part in the establishment of a new family. People tended to think much less about the union of individuals and much more about the union of families or family groups. It is not difficult to see how this led naturally to some of the customs regarding parental authorization of marriage. It is a gross anachronism to suppose the need for such authorization derived from a network of ideals about emotional purity. When we consider the fact that fathers had the right to sell their daughters into slavery as a concubine if they wished (a practice referred to in Ex. 21:7-8,) it becomes absurd to suppose that the role a father also exercised over his daughter's marriage was a corollary of any doctrine of marriage, or much less an idea of
emotional purity as Lindvall and Wayne argue. It resulted, rather, from the simple fact that a daughter was considered her father's property, to do with as he liked whether that meant marriage or slavery. Women were completely dependent on their fathers or family until that dependence was transferred to a husband. You couldn't just move away from home when you were eighteen and support yourself. The sense in which women lacked economic autonomy led to lack of independence in other areas as well, not least in the marriage decision.
In the Hebrew culture of the Bible and Apocrypha, we find continuity with this basic cultural structure. While young men did not always gain approval from their parents to marry, young women always did (i.e., Jacob had to get Leban's permission to marry Rachel, but not his father Isaac's; Tobias had to get Raguel’s permission to marry Sarah but not his father Tobit’s permission) except for cases when the woman was self-supporting, as in the case of Abigail's marriage to David.
Because society during Bible times was structured like that does not necessarily mean that such structure was derived from a divine mandate. Yet some Christian teachers (Lindvall included) are now picking certain aspects out of this culture (such as arranged marriages) and arguing that these customs have a divine precedent simply because they were practiced in Old Testament times. Such an argument is not only grammatically naïve (since it confuses indicative statements with imperative statements), but it is meaningless as long as we cannot also return to the whole network of social and economic conditions that lay behind those customs. Such conditions involved not simply an entirely foreign way of life, but many practices that would be objectionable to try to reintroduce into our society (such as the custom of raising up seed to your brother’s widow.) The fact that the Lord gave commands to show His people how to operate within their existing social context, does not mean that this society always got it right. To use an obvious example, the fact that Deut. 21:15-17 gives laws to govern situations where a man has two wives in no way gives God's stamp of approval on the men of today taking multiple wives
Michael Pearl explains how Exodus 22:16-17 shows that fornication was viewed in terms of its economic implications since it guaranteed that the father was not defrauded of the bride price that accompanies betrothal. It also discouraged a young man from lying with a girl for temporary pleasure since he would have to pay the bride price anyway and might even be forced to marry her. The bride price was clearly intended as a protection for the woman. The fact that the father could still say no to the union would have prevented a man from lying with a woman in order to manipulate an automatic marriage.
At the time of Christ the Jews had very defined marriage customs, just as any culture has distinct forms connected with their nuptial rites. These customs had evolved gradually as the culture matured and would not have been present in the ancient times of the patriarchs.
We tend to think of historical betrothal as similar to engagement, or maybe a halfway house between engagement and marriage. In the Jewish culture of the first century, however, betrothal (“erusin”) was marriage. There were two stages to the marriage. During the betrothal stage, though they were legally married, they did not cohabit together. The wife remained in her parent's house preparing herself for the move to her husband's house. This lasted a month. If the wife was under twelve years of age, however, this period lasted a whole year, to give her time to prepare a trousseau. In some parts of ancient Judea, the man and wife were allowed intimate physical contact once during the betrothal period, to wet their appetite and to help the husband appreciate and desire his wife more. After the final wedding ceremony took place, the wife returned to her husband's home for the consummation of the marriage.
Just as Jewish betrothal was equivalent to marriage, so their “shiduchim” would correspond to what we would call engagement, in so far as it was either a non-formalized agreement to get married or a formalized contract to enter at a later stage into a marriage (betrothal) contract.
What Betrothal Was Not
So much for what betrothal was. Now I must say what it was not. It had nothing to do with a father receiving direct revelation for who his child would marry; it had nothing to do with restriction on cross-gender friendships; it had nothing to do with denying all romantic feelings until the betrothal period. On the contrary, Hasting’s Bible Dictionary tells us “that in ancient Israel the association of the sexes was comparatively unrestrained, and naturally led to personal attachments which sought satisfaction in marriage..." And again, as the respected Hebrew scholar Alfred Edersheim wrote,
"Where the social intercourse between the sexes was nearly as unrestricted as among ourselves, so far as consistent with Eastern manners, it would, of course, be natural for a young man to make personal choice of his bride. Of this Scripture affords abundant evidence."
In his taped lecture, "Scriptural Betrothal," Lindvall goes through every single verse in the Bible where the word betrothal occurs. As Lindvall simply tells us what the word betrothal meant (namely, the essence of his ideas in the previous chapter), he is then able to take all these scriptures as support for his position. Effectively, he reasons to his conclusion based on premises which assume his conclusion. His initial assumption, however (i.e., what betrothal meant in Bible times), is not subject to investigation or argument. Lindvall simply announces to us that,
"The scripture talks about a pattern that it calls betrothal.... In the Bible there were two steps, with a fairly long period of time in between. During that lengthy period in between the couple was encouraged to cultivate their romantic feelings towards one another but not be physical with one another. And it was during that period that they fell in love, but it was after the commitment had been made. So they were free and secure, they were not at risk emotionally of giving their heart to someone and then being defrauded. That is God's design. Let's look at the Biblical model of betrothal. God wants our young people to experience a no risk commitment.... God design is that we would encourage them to fall in love only after the commitment is made."
Based on this definition of betrothal, Lindvall is able to argue that the ‘betrothal’ of Mary and Joseph was an irrevocable period (apart from adultery) for “them to mentally and emotionally prepare for marriage…” The ‘betrothal’ of Mary and Joseph is in fact one of Lindvall’s main arguments. I have never seen any documentary evidence to suggest that the above definitions of betrothal were part of the Jewish custom of betrothal referred to in the Bible, especially as concerns no risk emotions. In fact, there is actually a wealth of evidence to the contrary. One piece of evidence is the fact that a betrothal, like ordinary marriage, was not irrevocable and did not require an act of physical unfaithfulness for it to be terminated. Thus, to suppose that the concept of 'a no risk commitment' or 'emotional purity' lay behind the betrothal custom, is inconsistent with the fact that if a couple "fell out of love," or the man found another woman more beautiful, he could simply divorce his wife, whether it was during or after the betrothal period. To this we must add the fact that a degree of free association between the sexes was enjoyed and often led to romantic love occurring prior to any commitment. Such customs would be out of place in a culture that put the kind of premium on emotional protection which Lindvall suggests. It emerges that, whatever betrothal might have meant in Jewish culture, it was very different from the principles behind modern ‘betrothal,’ especially as concerns the protection of emotions. Lindvall's teaching that children should be allowed veto-power but no positive volitional fiat in the decision whom to marry, is again very unjewish. In the Jewish Talmud we read that
A man is forbidden to give his daughter in marriage while she is a minor, until she is grown up and says, 'I wish to marry so-and-so'...
As far as law was concerned, however, though a father could marry off his daughter while she was still a minor (less than twelve years and one day), she could annul the marriage upon reaching twelve years and a day without needing a divorce, if she did not love the man.
Is Emotional Purity an Historical Concept?
Consider the following words, written by Jonathan Lindvall, about the concept of emotional purity.
"...in many parts of the world today, and certainly in the not-so-distant past world-wide, the concept [of emotional purity] has been assumed. In the modern west, we...have entirely forgotten the idea of saving one's heart for the one we will marry."
If Lindvall is prepared to make such an assertion, we would expect him to attempt to provide some historical verification. Although there is a growing quantity of published tapes and literature on this subject, I have yet to see an advocate of betrothal cite even one historical example showing the idea of 'emotional purity' to be anything other than a modern invention. Instead they are content merely to assert dogmatically that emotional purity is an historical concept. The following quotation is a typical example. After positing the false problem of broken-heart syndrome and emotional impurity, Israel Wayne writes
"What is the answer...? My wife and I found it in the Bible. You see, the ancient Jewish people held to the belief that your emotions should follow you, rather than you following your emotions. The Old Testament is filled with stories of young people who chose to marry their spouses before romantic love had begun. They made a decision to love the person they married. Our culture tells us to 'marry the person we love...'"
Lindvall argues similarly: “the norm of scripture is that a couple becomes bonded emotionally after becoming committed to one another.” Is this true? Is the Old Testament really literally 'filled' with such stories?
One scholar, after I asked him if he knew of any documentary evidence that could be used to prove the unjewish-ness of ‘emotional purity,’ pointed me to the Bible, which is full of examples of love occurring prior to commitment. We shall be examining some of these examples in this chapter, but first it must be emphasized that because the Bible stories were not written to specifically address this subject, any bits we are able to extract should not be turned into a model for one method or another. This is precisely the mistake that the advocates of courtship and betrothal frequently make in approaching narrative scripture from a statistical pattern to try to determine right practice. It is always dangerous to turn the descriptive passages of scripture into prescriptive commands. A descriptive passage tells us what happened while a prescriptive passage tells us how something should happen. An example of this is the prayer of Jabez in 1 Chronicles 4:10, which is descriptive, vs. the prayer which Jesus taught his disciples to pray which is prescriptive. Now, of course, we can gain wisdom on how to live from studying the descriptive passages, but they should never be approached as blanket models for us to automatically apply in our own situations.
Having said that, I would like to now look at some of the descriptive passages of the Bible where we read about people getting married and having relationships. My purpose in the following survey is to show that the theories of emotional purity do not have a pedigree dating back to the Bible or ancient Jewish practice. (And even if they did, this would not itself prove that such ideas are normative, based on the above distinction between description and prescription.) In so doing we shall also see how completely untenable is the assumption that romantic love is a modern invention - an assumption so pervasive in the literature of the courtship and betrothal movements.
Isaac and Rebekah: Betrothal Blueprint?
The relationship between Isaac and Rebekah is a favorite among many advocates of courtship and particularly betrothal. I cannot begin to count the amount of times I have seen Isaac and Rebekah’s relationship cited as a paradigm of “God's way.” Referring to the Isaac and Rebekah narrative in his book Dating vs. Courtship, Paul Jehle writes, “In principle it is an authoritative guide for us to follow…” However, when we look at what the Bible actually says about Isaac and Rebekah, nowhere do we find God sanctioning the pattern of courtship, betrothal, emotional purity, or anything of the sort.
To fully understand the story, we must back up and consider what God had been doing with Abraham. The Lord had set Abraham apart in order to form a nation that would be God's representative on earth. It was very important that Abraham's son, Isaac, should not procreate seed that was defiled, that is, that was contaminated by the seed of other peoples. Nowadays we see this principle applied in the New Testament where we are exhorted not to be unequally yoked to unbelievers. Racial purity is no longer an issue as it was back then. Abraham made his servant "swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and the God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell; but you shall go to my country and to my family, and take a wife for my son Isaac."
"And the servant said to him, 'Perhaps the woman will not be willing to follow me to this land. Must I take your son back to the land from which you came?'
"But Abraham said to him, 'Beware that you do not take my son back there. The Lord God of Heaven, who took me from my father's house and from the land of my family, and who spoke to me and swore to me, saying, 'To your descendants I give this land,' He will send an angel before you, and you shall take a wife for my son from there. And if the woman is not willing to follow you, then you will be released from this oath; only do not take my son back there.' (Gen. 24:3-8)We do not know what was behind Abraham's reluctance for his son to travel to his homeland, although we can speculate. The betrothal lobby have suggested that this was because the custom was for young men not to be involved in their own marriage decisions. But notice the servant's reluctance to go without Isaac, together with his doubt that the woman would want to go and marry a man she had never met. The implication is that under normal circumstances Isaac would have sought his own wife.
But this was an unusual situation, and that very fact never seems to be taken into account when the betrothal advocates appeal to this example. In fact, it was so unusual an occurrence that a miracle needed to happen. The servant had no idea which girl would be the right one since there was no knowledge of, or interchange with, these far off relatives. Hence, he had to rely solely on an act of divine intervention. Because this was part of the Lord's plan, in fulfilling the mission to found a chosen people through the patriarchs, the Lord moved directly in these affairs, bringing the girl of His choosing to the servant before he had met anyone else. It was all part of the Lord miraculously fulfilling his original word to Abraham. The servant recognized this marvelous act of mercy and praised the Lord for it, saying,
"'Blessed be the Lord God of my master Abraham, who has not forsaken His mercy and His truth toward my master. As for me, being on the way, the Lord led me to the house of my master's brethren.'" (Gen. 24:27)
What was Rebekah and her parents’ response to this unusual proposal of marriage to a man she had never even met? Her parents recognized that “The thing comes from the Lord...” (Gen. 24:50) though they desired that their daughter remain with them for at least ten days before leaving. (24:55) Despite her parent's wishes, Rebekah desired to depart the very next day. (Gen. 24:56) In this Rebekah showed a degree of autonomy that is discouraged by the advocates of betrothal.
The Lord blessed their faithfulness, for we are told that Isaac loved Rebekah (Gen. 24:67). This love was obviously emotional, for we read that it comforted Isaac after his mother's death. (24:67)
We are told in Genesis 26:34-35 that Jacob's brother Esau "took wives" which "were a grief of mind to Isaac and Rebekah." Advocates of betrothal like to take this verse and point out that Esau took wives for himself rather than letting his father select them. They point out further that the result brought grief to Esau’s parents. Thompson refers to this passage by commenting that "every example where the father did NOT initiate and oversee the relationship (such as Esau/wives, Shechem/Dinah, Samson/Delilah, etc.) the outcome was either mixed or disastrous."
But just hold on a second. The unifying factor in the three relationships that Thompson mentions, and which also accounts for their disastrous outcomes, is that each involved union with a Gentile, which God had forbidden. The grief Esau brought upon his parents was not because he “took wives” for himself, for that same language is used of Abraham, a generation earlier, taking a wife for himself: "Abraham again took a wife, and her name was Keturah." (Gen. 25:1) The grief was not because Esau took wives, but because, as Rebekah says,
“I am weary of my life because of the daughters of Heth; if Jacob takes a wife of the daughters of Heth, like these who are the daughters of the land, what good will my life be to me?” (Gen. 27: 46)
The grief Esau caused his parents was not because of the procedure for getting married, but because he took wives from among the pagans. So Isaac instructs Jacob not to take a wife from the daughters of Canaan, but to go find one amongst his own family.
Esau saw that Isaac had blessed Jacob and sent him away to Padan Aram to take himself a wife from there, and that as he blessed him he gave him a charge, saying, "You shall not take a wife from the daughters of Canaan." (Gen. 28:6)
Isaac simply sent Jacob away to find a wife. Even I favor more parental involvement than that! Isaac had no idea who his son was going to choose, he simply asks that it be from his own kinsmen. When Esau heard of this he was jealous and went and took another wife from Abraham's family too (Gen. 28:9).
Jacob: Love Before Commitment
It is interesting that in Jacob’s case at least, emotions occurred prior to commitment. Notice that "Jacob loved Rachel" (Gen. 29:18) before he asked Leban if he could marry her. The love preceded the commitment. As Jacob was penniless, and therefore had no means of supporting a wife, he had to work before he could earn her. So deep was Jacob’s love for Rachel that these seven years “seemed only a few days to him because of the love he had for her.” (Gen. 29:20)
Jacob’s story makes sense against the backdrop of a culture in which the father of the bride had to give consent. Now Leban was a scoundrel who took advantage of Jacob's penniless state, maneuvering things to get fourteen years work out of him. Jacob was tricked into marrying Leah thinking he was marrying Rachel. It is interesting that, in this case at least, the arranged marriage (Jacob and Leah) was actually a disaster. Why was the arranged marriage a disaster? Quite simply because Jacob didn't love Leah (Gen. 29:31). On the other hand, the relationship that Jacob himself chose, prospered and was a love-match.
Saul’s interference eventually destroyed David and Michal’s marriage. David eventually took the widow Abigail to be his wife (1 Sam. 25:39-42). David and Abigail certainly didn't follow any procedure of parental authorization. David asks directly for Abigail to be his wife (through messengers) and she accepts immediately. We also read that “David also took Ahinoam of Jezreel” (25:43), but we are told nothing about it.
The ‘Sons of God’: Dating Relationships? In Genesis 6:1-5 we read about “the sons of God” who saw that the daughters of men were beautiful and so came down to take wives of them. In his defense of betrothal, John Thompson cites this in his list of “significant relationships to study.” The passage is usually thought to refer to angels (“sons of God”, see Job 1:6) who disobeyed God by coming down to take wives of humans, which led to the production of giants. The procedure for conducting a relationship is not the issue here; the issue is disobedient angels and wicked humans
. Nevertheless, Gothard somehow manages to see this as an example of "dating-type relationships..."
Christ's Betrothal to the Church
John Thompson writes,
"Perhaps the most compelling reason for recognizing betrothal as transcultural is our Lord's use of this standard for His relationship with His own "multicultural" bride, the church. As the spiritual father of the Corinthians, Paul declares: "...for I betrothed you to one husband, that to Christ I might present you as a pure virgin." (2 Cor. 11:2) Why would Christ choose betrothal if it were not God's own prescription for pre-marital fidelity? Indeed, Paul suggests that its primary purpose is to "present you as a pure virgin." Just as Christ doesn't want us "dating around" in the spiritual realm because it leads to physical, mental and emotional impurity, so likewise in the natural realm. "
To say that betrothal must be God's way because He drew upon it to illustrate His relationship with the church, is a fallacious argument, for two reasons. First, the argument only works if we assume some approximation between historical betrothal and modern betrothal. Secondly, Jesus and the apostles used whatever material was around at the time for their illustrations. They drew upon everything from living in tents to using swords in warfare. Does that mean that fighting with swords is more godly than fighting with guns because God used the former and not the latter as an illustration? Is it godlier for farmers to plant vineyards of grapes rather than fields of oats because God used the former as an illustration and not the latter?
The attempt to see Christ's relationship with the church as an illustration of modern betrothal has actually led some teachers to implicitly deny the basic gospel message. To show how this is so it is first necessary to review the four-fold progression in betrothal once the go ahead has been given for a match.
1. First an offer of marriage/love is made to the woman
2. Then the woman accepts an irrevocable commitment.
3. Then the couple 'falls in love.'
4. Finally, there is marriage and consummation.
The advocates of betrothal are teaching that the above progression parallels Christ's relationship to the church. First, they say, Christ makes us an offer of marriage through the gift of salvation. Then after we accept comes the betrothal period. During this time Christ woos us and we fall in love with Him. Also during our ‘betrothal period’ we are linked irrevocably to Christ apart from spiritual adultery, which would be turning our back on Him. Finally, when Christ returns, there is consummation of the marriage.
This idea is not Biblical. Scripture declares that Christ's love for us preceded our commitment to Him. “In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His son to be the propitiation for our sins… We love him because he first love us." (1 Jn. 4:10-19) And again, "God demonstrates His own love towards us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom. 5:8). Why did He die for us to secure our salvation? Out of love (John. 3:16). Therefore His love cannot be the effect of our commitment to Him, but the other way round. When we say “yes” to Christ's marriage proposal, it is because He has wooed us by His great love through the Holy Spirit (John 6:44), instead of in the modern betrothal method where the husband woos the woman only after she has made a commitment to him. Christ's relationship to us is the very antithesis of the pattern of modern betrothal.
What About 'Defrauding'?
There are two other verses from Paul's letters that are frequently cited by both courtship and betrothal advocates. One is 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6.
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified.
This is one of the main verses cited as a proof text for betrothal a la Lindvall. Lindvall argues that Paul's words that no man should take advantage of (or 'go beyond', as some translations have it), is referring to the sins of sexual impurity, while the word' 'defraud' is referring to the sin of emotional impurity. “We can all recognize," writes Lindvall, "that 'going beyond' applies to physical impurity. This is important, but it's not all there is. He also said not to 'defraud' one another." Lindvall argues that defrauding applies when a person's emotions are drawn towards someone they do not end up marrying. They are defrauded because they expected something that was not given. Hence, emotions should only be released after a commitment to marriage.
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